According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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