I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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