We named our party play list daddy issues
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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