hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
