After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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