Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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