Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
And then the night went full on bisexual.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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