I just threw up on my dentist
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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