captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
