I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
