My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
