did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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