Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Randomize