Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
