Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
