Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Randomize
