In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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