need another drink. this is the easiest way
My friends, they love my intelligence
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
