I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
