you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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