I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
