You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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