They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
