she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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