my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
