boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
