I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
