my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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