someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
It's Friday. Sex?
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Randomize
