I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
