My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
