I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
you traded sex for a burrito?
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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