hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
