highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
