i think i have herpe
just one?
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize