how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
