There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
