I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
