I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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