i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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