My hand turned me down
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
