I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
