The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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