Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
