i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
