if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
