tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
