Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
