Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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