hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
