Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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