**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize