True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
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