I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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