I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
