i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
