So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
i love accidental penises.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
