He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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