when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
