Tell her she can't have a vagina
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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