I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
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