Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
