I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
